Madame Tishka on Love & Earthquakes
Dear Madame Tishka,
Lately I been feeling lost and lonely. My plan to make our rock band a big hit fell apart when the roof caved in on our garage. All on account of that stupid earthquake. The quake shook the ground shook the roots shook the tree shook the branches. Hey, Madame Tishka, I just realized I wrote a song! See how much I am meant to be a musician? It’s killing me now ‘cause there is no place to practice. We tried practicing outside in the yard but it rained on our new lead singer Destiny. Destiny got very pissed ‘cause it ruined her velvet shorts and she quit. So now we have no garage and no Destiny. I am considering doing something dangerous.
signed, considering something dangerous
All of Tishka’s life she has heard people considering this or that foolish thing. Mostly people are just talking. But you sound rather sincere in your misery, dear considering. And that makes Tishka a bit worried. There are so many Destinys out there for the taking. By the time you are an old man, your destiny will have changed 452 times. Did you know that Tishka is a master at numerology? I would not get too excited over this current loss of Destiny, but focus on your happy future. Or your unhappy future. That is entirely up to you. Meanwhile I would advise that you switch to a twelve string guitar. It makes room for more fingering, thus more mistakes. Hence more life.
Dear Madame Tishka,
On a perfectly normal day I was down the basement of my apartment building doing my laundry. Specifically my nighties and undies. By the way, there are three washers and two dryers. It’s uneven. Sometimes people use both dryers and then the other two washer clothes have to wait. I started a tenant organization but the super said he would get me kicked out of the building if I kept it going. But, anyway. So I’m down there and in comes this guy Todd. I’d seen him before near the mail slots in the lobby. He’s tall with nice green eyes and blond hair. All of a sudden the basement started shaking. Todd grabbed onto his washer like he wanted to save it. I told him it wasn’t the washer causing the shaking. That maybe it was a terrorist attack. Then Todd crouched in the corner and started to whimper. Then the next thing, he had me pulled close, and then one thing led to the other. It was so existential. As if any moment we would be blown apart and so we had to take full advantage of that moment. Then the shaking stopped. Todd still wants to see me, but I don’t know. I feel like the moment was lost forever when the terrorist attack turned out to be a teensy earthquake.
signed, lost to minor
Dear Lost to Minor,
You sound like a very dramatic woman. Your age is unclear though Tishka is getting somewhere between 25 and 40. That is a big range in age. As big a range, hypothetically, as in earthquakes. You seem to want everything to be larger than life. Life is a small thing in the scale of the universe. Todd sounds like a caring though somewhat overly sensitive male. That’s really not so terrible. Most males are on the short side of the 1 through ten scale. Todd sounds like he might register an 8 or possibly a 9 on the Love Richter Scale. Tishka advises that you give Todd another chance. Try him out in a bed on a quiet evening when there are no storms in sight. Good Luck to you both!
Dear Madame Tishka,
It’s always been rocky between myself and Carmina. Lots of arguments, the cold shoulder. Even a fist fight now and again. I don’t fist fight her, but she does me. She is a tough little gal but you wouldn’t think it to see her in her cute dark braids, her little GAP retro tops and flared jeans. You’d think she is the sweetest little gal on the planet. Not so. So when the earthquake struck and the chair under me shook, naturally I got suspicious. I figured Carmina had crept up behind me to pull some stunt. I whipped around and threw a few curses her way. Nothing too terrible but enough to upset her to where she ran in the bedroom. Next thing, she had 3 suitcases packed and in her car. Don’t you think she is over-doing things? Or do you blame me? I miss those little fists of hers. It gets me so turned on when she starts beating my chest.
This relationship, if one could call it that, is way off the balance beam. You and Carmina seem to be in a perpetual state of earthquake. The earth is not still around the two of you— never mind the recent earthquake. Of course the earth is never still, that is an illusion we earthlings hold tight to. Now, Rocky. Tishka cannot abide physical violence. Be it by man or woman. Yet from what you say it seems to be the driving force in your relationship with Carmina. This needs to be restructured into something less violent. I suggest that you and Carmina stay apart for a period of no less than two months. In the meantime, you should find yourself a girl with soft hands who doesn’t like bruising her knuckles. Go hang out near the nail salon. Those girls keep their little mitts very soft and polished. Tishka sees one over there waiting just for you. Hurry!